Patience

 Today I am attending an online yoga/writing retreat online. There have been so many technical difficulties and it has been hard to not be frustrated. First, I was late - which was super frustrating. I hate being late.  When I arrived, things were just beginning, so no big deal, right? Yesterday I had a hair appointment and my hairdresser was running late - yesterday I really did not mind her being late - as in I realize life happens. There are things that are BEYOND my control. Wow - just to write those words - THERE ARE THINGS BEYOND MY CONTROL. That is huge for me - realizing that I cannot control situations, people, places, plans, things. But, if I am late - the story I tell myself includes things like - I am less of a person, I am disrespecting someone else, I am irresponsible, just to name a few. Why can I give my hairdresser a pass but not me? 

I remember the saying about patience - whose roots are very bitter but fruit is very sweet. My father telling me this time after time when I was young, yet feeling like the patience should always be for someone else and not me.

So I am here in this space - moving my body and settling into I am Patient. What does that feel like? This whole year has shown me that patience is a part that I need work on. The arrival - sitting in stillness - no movement. Listening to the cutting in and out of sound - leaning into the technical difficulties and finding what works in this situation. Two hours of my morning, dedicated to learning something about myself and how I show up in the world. Reflecting on how COVID has been for me. A test, an opportunity, a struggle, a blessing, a microscope and learning that I need stillness. For someone who is always moving - doing, planning, accomplishing, and what? Why am I doing this? Fear of being with the stillness or white space - seeing the blank spots in my calendar - fear rising because what will I do - why can't I just be? What is it in me that keeps me moving? I remember my grandmother saying if you quit moving, you are dead - what did she really mean in the moment? Was it more about moving your body? What about your mind? Sometimes my mind exhausts me. The thoughts streaming faster than I can type them - 

it is cool today

what will I have for lunch

why does my friend have to deal with...

why can't I settle

who am I

it will be hot later

I hope Tim is okay

shall I clean the bike today

what will I do later today

what if I do nothing

I should work on the letters

I want to write some postcards

I have to sort some things in the basement

I wonder what I should plan to eat this week

These come faster than I can type - they come fast and sometimes they jumble. When I slow down, they get louder - those voices, those statements, those random ideas. It makes it hard to focus, hard to settle, hard to be in silence. I love the way they help when there is much to do - but also struggle when others are talking - it takes PATIENCE - it takes presence.

What came up for me when I came up with Patience for the year 2020 - was I needed to be more patient with myself and I needed to be patient with others. Then March 2020 came - and all of my plans and dreams for the year came crashing down. What a perfect way to really embrace Patience! Those first few days of COVID - realizing that life has come to a crawl - the itchy feeling I would get thinking about being in my house and yard more than I have EVER been. The feeling that NOW that I want to connect with people even more - I am becoming more of a hermit because this is what is happening now. The fear of being with my husband - all day every day and the realization that we will have to adjust - and can we? 

Fast forward to July 2020 - the countdown to 50 - coming to terms with all of the ways I wanted to honor my 50th trip around the sun - and all of the things that were not going to happen. Feeling trapped, feeling stifled, asking questions about - is this all there is? What if I want more? Feeling this deep desire to BURN MY LIFE DOWN and start over again - and the realization that THIS - THIS is the call to patience - my feeling of discomfort - I need to sit with it. This is the patience I have been thinking of - to undo my patterns of youth - and step into my 50s - I have to be patient. When things start feeling hard, difficult, uncomfortable, or impossible. I need to be patient. I need to exercise patience because that fruit will be sweet.