Welcoming the Uncertainty - Whatever Comes Next

 

So, I have returned from my time at the coast. It was both what I expected and a lot of unexpected. I fell into a pattern - wake about 8am - meditation, pull a card, make tea, writing, thinking about what I will do for the day, lots of reading, lots of writing, and in bed by 9:30pm. 

I arrived on Tuesday September 8th - waking and deciding that the day would go slow - packing slowly - deciding what I want to take with me. Trying to keep it simple. So, after eating an amazing smoked trout and kale salad - I hit the road. It was about 1pm. My plan was to check in about 5pm. I drove - and listed to Big Magic by Liz Gilbert. I have listened to this book twice and read it once. Each time I get something different from it - I think my biggest take away was to be with my fear - befriend my fear. She has this amazing description of creativity/fear being conjoined twins...so you cannot have one without the other. She writes a letter to fear about going on a road trip - and while fear is welcome and coming, it is not allowed to take over. I highly recommend reading it!! I will not be able to recount as well as Liz Gilbert writes it.

I took my time driving down - stopping in South Bend to pick up some odds and ends at the Ace Hardware (highlighters, index cards, and a new pen). I also stopped at my favorite roadside toilet to pee. Thankfully I carry Clorox wipes with me! I finished my Ginger Beer (no worries, no alcohol content) which was super yummy. I got to the Long Beach Peninsula about 4pm just enough time to head to Oysterville to see if the seafood place was open (it was not) but it was a pretty drive and to stop at my favorite all purpose store in Ocean Park - to get a camp chair (forgot my pink one) some Oreos (just a sleeve of 10) and some crackers. So, I was able to check in about 5pm. Loved my sweet little home away from home - a 1950's Shasta - super cute with a bed, a booth style table and bench seats, and a little kitchenette - the fridge was a cold box. The bathrooms/showers and a public outdoor kitchen was just a short walk from my trailer. I ran to the local IGA for some ice, cheese, and chips. I spent the evening thinking about what I wanted to eat...and decided to stay in, write, and eat from my cooler.

I woke about 4:19am - and felt the shift - something was coming. I walked to the bathroom under the stars, the clear night sky, and the moon - but knew that was the last time I would see them while I was there. By morning, things were starting to get smoky...and it was heating up.

Wednesday 9/9 - was the HOTTEST DAY - I had my writing group, which worked out just fine. I stayed pretty close to the trailer most of the day - save for a quick trip out to get more ice and then by evening I decided that if I was going to see a sunset - I should go - because the smoke was starting to come in a little thicker now - which made for a gorgeous sunset - but I could feel the tickle in the back of my throat.

Thursday I woke to some thick smoke - it was hard to breathe - and part of me wondered if I should go home. What was happening? I walked to breakfast - my favorite restaurant - 42nd Cafe - had a big breakfast of French toast, three cheese quiche, salad, and bacon. Then I walked back to my trailer and settled in for the day. More writing...more reading....more settling in.

Friday I woke and again wondered if I should head home - but decided I would continue to stay - and tried to have some beach time. I started walking and realized too much smoke - it was too hard to deeply breathe. I checked out the farmer's market - met some great people. There were people and old cards lining the streets of Long Beach. I wondered what was going on. I thought about hanging out until 2pm so I could get a pizza - but then I decided - back to the trailer - make a dinner reservation at 42nd. So, snack and then more writing - and then to dinner. The appetizer of the night was mushrooms. MUSHROOMS, my favorite!! They were DELICIOUS! Also, seafood stew - delicious. 

Saturday I was up and out - first breakfast again at 42nd - YUMMY!! I drove to Westport to put my feet in the sand and surf on my favorite beach - and made a heart of shells and stones. I got home and loved seeing Tim and Pip and Perdita and Puck. I did miss all of them.

So, what did I learn? I loved being able to do what I want WHEN I want. I loved the ease of life with less. I did not have a lot with me and that felt easy. My world is BURNING - how do I move through it while it is burning? What is really important? What can go away? Who do I want to be? I want to be a woman who can be with herself - love herself, all of me - enjoy nature - have less - read and write more - find a way to be of service to something bigger than me - social justice work is what seems to be calling me. I want to be with nature - in a reciprocal relationship with nature. I want to consume less - leave less of a footprint on this world. I want to check in with me and where I am before deciding to overextend myself out of patterns or guilt. I want to relinquish my need to fix things and listen more. The last piece I take with me is that I need to embrace the unknown and uncertainty in a way that I have never done before. What is happening next? Who cares - what is most important is what is happening now.