I Make Mistakes

 I make mistakes - I make mistakes - I make mistakes. Today my work is to come to terms with making mistakes. In the past couple of weeks I have made some really big and really small mistakes. I feel like life is slowly slipping out of my control. The funny part is that it was never in my control. That is hard to admit to a recovering control freak. I often believe that I can get life to do what I will it to do, and that all happens without mistakes or stumbles. To see those words typed in front of me, I have to laugh. I have spent nearly 50 years trying to make sure I do everything right - to not do it right is to fail. I have to say there is something exhausting about this pattern and I think I am really ready to let it go. As a human on a learning journey, I do not know how I can really avoid making mistakes. How else will I learn? On an intellectual level, this makes sense. But, I often believe these things do not apply to ME. I am always telling people in my life - so you messed up, no big deal. But to myself, if I mess up - it is how could you be so stupid, careless, lazy, and the uplifting descriptors continue. I found myself feeling especially low over the last couple of days as I realized how many mistakes I had been making.

1) filled out timesheets for an employee incorrectly

2) filled out leave slips incorrectly

3) responded to an email from a customer without fully reading their question - so misunderstood their request

4) spent a week and a half looking for the wrong name of a corporation when it was a time sensitive request

5) I put the wrong date on an email

6) I could not remember what I had done during a meeting (what I promised) and tossed my paper notes.

This is just a list of a two week period. Many of these things are not typical behavior for me - and once I realized I was making a series of mistakes - it seemed to get worse. I left work this week feeling exhausted and confused about what is wrong with me? So I started to look at what was going on with me - 

1) Work is short staffed and I am picking up work I do not normally do

2) I do not have realistic expectations about what I can accomplish in a day - biting off more than I can chew

3) Trying to hurry from task to task

4) Saying yes though my plate is already full - fear of seeming like I cannot help or chip in

5) working on whiteness

6) working on Ancestry

7) writing about my past

8) having critical discussions with friends and family

9) Phone call from family member in distress

10) misunderstanding with husband

So, as I review this list - NO WONDER I am making mistakes. My days of being able to just ignore what is going on and powering through are GONE! I cannot just compartmentalize these things and hope I can make it through. So I write - I make mistakes, I make mistakes, I make mistakes, I make mistakes as many times as is necessary for me to understand I make mistakes and that is okay.