Wrestling with White Privilege - Card Draw Prompt (May 13 2020)

Pyrite - Fool's Gold

It hits me at my core - my gut clenches - pyrite - that card with its colorful rainbow like surroundings a fool’s gold as it is so often called - calling forth the thoughts of the last few days - who am I as a white privileged woman? The history of these United States of America so familiar to me - formed on the backs of blacks, browns, reds, and the others - their deaths, their beatings, their blood, sweat and tears, mass incarceration - people like me, but not like me because I don’t have to worry about what I do, how I act or where I go - can I go for a run? Yes, no one will stop me or look at me - can I buy skittles in a hoodie - yes I can, these privileges I have, that I cannot give to someone else, because I am white - and I do not understand the pain - something I have never experienced once could argue, I am a woman and all of the baggage that comes with that. But how can I compare that, there is no comparison. 

I feel worthless

I cannot appreciate what I have - how can I when someone else suffers so I can have what I have

 Crap - I am really feeling it today, the words I read, the words I continue to read

Is it awareness? Is that what I need? The fixer in me constantly saying, what can I do?

How can I show up

What can I do to support to educate

To spread this feeling I have of worthlessness to others

That people

My white companions

Please wake up

How are we allowing people to be caged like animals in holding cells because they want a better life?

How are we allowing people to be shot in the street for jogging?

How are we allowing this system to continue?

But it seems so out of control

So impossible

So overwhelming

So - I take a breath

Then other deep breath

Part of the journey is just to think about this

Perhaps something will reveal itself

As I continued read and wrestle

So many tears

So frustrated

To think that there is nothing to be done

What will it take for me to step up?

What does that even look like?

I reading about how POC don’t like white saviors

I don’t want to be one of them

But at the same time - I want to help? How can I help?

Fool’s Gold - Pyrite

That mineral looks so precious, but its not quite gold

It’s like a stand in, a place holder for the real thing

Maybe over 200 years of history was a place holder for something big to happen

A reckoning

A realization this country continues to be a place in spite of its flaws that people want to come to - my ancestors did - from Denmark, from Germany, from England, and Ireland, because they thought there could be a better life, but a better life at what cost? Some would say they came to farm, born of sweat and earth and water - culling the land - building a home unaware of what else was going on outside of their 360 acres of land. Did they mean harm? Did they know what was happening? An ancestor of mine was a Unitarian minister and an Indian Agent in Colorado with the Ute tribe - he created reports to the Federal Government about what was going on - and how things were going -most of the time he stepped in and defended the actions of those he oversaw - did he wonder why this was his job? 

Why did he do it? 

Was he compassionate? 

Did his relationship with God help is compassion for humans? 

Did he see the Utes as humans?