Making Hard Decisions

 

COVID has been hard on all of us - and it has been so hard for me to decide exactly where I land with COVID. I know people who have family and friends who have died from COVID - I know people with family and friends who have gotten really sick from COVID and survived. In the beginning I was one of those people - who thought, well this is a disease like any other disease. The best you can do is make sure you are doing your best - the cards will fall as they may. Which for those who have lost someone may seem rather callous and detached. 

I definitely suffered mentally from the isolation in the beginning during our shut down - the combination of having to work from home and spending a lot more time with my husband - that was hard. It strained our marriage, it strained my relationships with others and most of all it strained my relationship with myself. I turned 50 this year - and I had plans. I was planning to meet my mom in Iowa and work on our genealogy. I had plans to attend a yoga festival in North Carolina for my birthday. I had planned to hike more and had hoped to do a backpacking trip with my husband in the fall. None of these things happened. At first - I was devastated, then I was sad, then I was depressed. 

Then I realized how much time I spend planning for things...always looking to the future. Getting excited about the next thing when the present is always here. What is it that makes me so delighted by what is coming instead of the now? Something to consider to be sure. 

So, fast forward to yesterday - when we decided that our plans for Thanksgiving are not the most responsible thing to do. Excitedly in August or September - we started to plan for visitors for Thanksgiving - my brother from Florida and my best friend/sister from Ohio flying to WA for us to head down my husband, my sister, and the two of them with me to Cannon Beach, OR. Oh the plans - what would we eat? What would the weather be like? Wish lists on what we would do. I was hesitant to plan, I think because I didn't want my hopes to be dashed - as they had already this year. But, up until Sunday/Monday I thought - maybe this will happen. My friend from Ohio and I decided on Sunday/Monday that it would be best if she didn't come. And then my sister and I talked to my brother last night and said he should not come. 

So incredibly sad - upset - angry - frustrated - but also feeling less stress, more compassion, loving choices that are not just about me. It was hard to think out all of the scenarios - what would be best? How to protect and mitigate risk? At the end of the day - it was a hard choice. I am not worried about getting COVID. I am worried about passing it (unknown to me) to someone who cannot fight it off. But this choice wasn't made from fear - it was a choice made weighing all of the factors and landing in a place where I felt good at the core of my being - no voices screaming what if? There are those who would say - well it may have been their time anyway, and can they really trace it to you? Maybe, maybe not, but I would know. I would know that I had not been following protocol and best practices. We are also talking about people - people whose lives are not more important than mine.