I once had this friend...(originally written Feb 2 2019)

I once had this friend - or shall I say friends - they were sisters (are still sisters).  My brother texted me this week that their mother is battling cancer.  She has to be about 80 or so by now.  

It brought back so many memories of our friendship - the hikes at Old Man’s cave and Blackhand Gorge, the visits to their grandparents farm and land with its handmade log cabin.  The slumber parties where we stayed up late into the night watching Night Owl Theater and the slow mornings ended by a rush to gather all of my stuff so I could get ready for my dad to pick me up and take me to work in the garden for the day. They had these metal colored cups we drank from, I remember the cool feel of them in my hand. I remember the obsession of Star Wars and the backyard where we transported ourselves to the Millenium Falcon or the Death Star.  I was able to take my first trip to Florida with them and their parents - in their large wood panelled station wagon - stopping for McDonalds on the way down - a treat to be sure as my family never really indulged in such luxuries. We sat in the way back amusing ourselves with games one sister invented - like popularity were we would wave to people in cars and if they waved back we got points.  We tracked how many license plates from other states, we giggled and slept and listened to Blondie - to this day The Tide is High brings me immediately to the back of that station wagon.  While I was there in Florida for the first time I was able to experience Christmastime without snow - so weird to see Christmas decorations on palm trees - but walking on beaches and seeing dolphins - gathering shells.  

Remembering my heartache finding out that their dad planned to move them to Florida as he had inherited his aunt’s house - the same one we visited.  Having to say goodbye - but keeping in touch, and still seeing them when they would come to visit their grandparents. Promising that we would eventually live together and know each other forever.  They were the middle children.  There were 6 - an older brother and sister, the two of them, and two younger brothers.  They were older than me - my dad constantly frustrated with them as he would see them put makeup on me or do my hair - he thought I was like a doll to them - but it wasn’t like that all of the time.  I modeled for the older sister and she entered my photographs in a contest and won - our bunker like basement and train tracks running behind the house a perfect place for interesting photography - I felt like a model - dressing up and getting made up - something that was not encouraged or mentioned in my house of boys. 

When they lived in Florida, my brother and I were able to take a flight down over Christmas break and it was new and interesting to experience air travel without our parents.  We got on in Columbus, off in Atlanta, and finally landed in Ft Myers. We visited Disney World - we went to Cocoa Beach. We got older - and when they came to Ohio we would take road trips to amusement parks - to Cedar Point and to Kings Island. When I hit 17 - we began to talk about my move to Florida - and it was not a matter of if, but when.  I began to save in ernest - working my full time job at the library and my part time job at the theater so when the time came I would be ready.  At 19 - I packed my belongings and moved to Florida to move in with my friends - like sisters they were - first living with their parents and eventually moving into an apartment.  It was nicely furnished - which, looking back on it seemed surreal - young and maybe not ready for these adult responsibilties, but not being afraid of hard work I worked a bank job during the day and at the movie theater at night - taking Sunday for church and relaxation.  I packed so many things in those years I lived in Florida - before the beginning of the end.  

That is the trouble with bringing back the memories.  So many good memories.  But tainted by hurt, betrayal, heartache, and sadness...so many times in my life I have thought about reconnection, but I cannot.  I do not want to let go of the fun times, but I cannot seem to let go of the bad times. It started with my first trip back home since the move - my parents pulling me aside and saying that they understood things were not going so well in Florida - and my reaction - what do you mean things aren’t going so good in Florida? Feeling sick in my stomach, how am I hearing about this from my parents - I am 21, shouldn’t I be hearing about this from my friends?  Actually with the time investment - weren’t they more like my sisters?  Why wouldn’t they talk to me about this? I sit on a park picnic table - listening to my parents talk at me - while their words swirl around me - it is like I have been hit in a way I could never have anticipated. 

Reflections 3/4/2021 - 

Thinking about my life to this point, my friendships, my trust, and the feeling of betrayal. It is hard to imagine all of these things being both something incredibly hard and necessary and yet a gift - these things can exist together - the awful with the terrific, the sadness and the happiness. But at that time - it was hard so hard to understand. The friendship continued as if nothing happened, and I was sent home to Ohio.  A few years later a friend pulled me aside and said, people who do that to you are not your friends. As much as I tried to explain it away - justify it, I decided I could not continue the friendship, especially since it seemed to mar the good memories.

My family could not and would not understand my decision to sever this friendship. This made it even more difficult - could I trust myself and my own decisions? I rarely thought about it after that - but now I wonder if this moment changed the way I view relationships - and did it cause me to guard my heart? Was this when I decided to wall it in to protect? Unraveling those old stories - so important for growth and development. I am still on the journey. I open my heart to love all that has happened before and all that will happen in future.