May Musings - The first week May 1-7, 2021

 

I decided to do something a little different this month and rather than write in my blog, I would post on Instagram and Facebook. I have mixed feelings about posting so publicly. Often I see my writing as a process, raw and unedited. Thankfully my sister gave me the shove I needed with the #12daysofshine and I decided to keep it going. I definitely want to return to the blog format. I waffle back and forth about how best to get myself writing and consistently as this is something I want to do.  Here is a collection from the first 7 days of my challenge in reverse order. I included my daily gratitude practice here as well. A reminder to remember the good.

May 7

Lacey leaf left from fall
Cradled in a cloud of green

Gold trimmed beauty

One last appearance

As spring blooms around

Gratitude

Today I am grateful for coffee time with my husband this morning- staring out into our backyard gently starting our day.

May 6

Painting in process - I came home last night and about cried because the house is looking so beautiful. The sunset behind it was beautiful. The sunrise this morning was also beautiful and reflected on the house. Home...I have been thinking a lot about home for this week. Home is where the heart is, home sweet home, and other phrases go through my mind. I have a serious case of wanderlust right now, but it feels good to have a place to call home. A place where Tim and I have carefully created a space as refuge from the world at large. Comfortable and inviting as well as overwhelming and chaotic at times. Our stuff - we continue to assess and evaluate what we want in our space. How to upkeep it, and when to just let things go. The yard has been transformed into an outdoor sanctuary and on most days I want to sit out there and hear the wind chimes and birds. The front yard is still a work in progress. But we plan and dream about how it will look. Our giant tree guardians standing watch and protect all manner of life in their branches.

Home - I feel a sigh of relief when I see her and enter her warm embrace.

Gratitude

Today I am grateful for my boss who surprised me with a coffee this morning- my fave a lavender latte with oat milk.

May 5

I received my second dose of the COVID vaccine today and I admit to feeling conflicted about getting it at all. Depending on where you are from or how you feel about it - there are some pretty intense feelings surrounding the vaccine. I’m not one to get the flu shot. I was vaccinated as a child. I read both current literature and I’m aware of our history and the history of medicine. My experience with the medical professionals in my life has been a mixed bag from those who swear they can cure me to those who cannot find what ails me. I say all of this to say I feel so strongly that every individual needs to make their own choice about getting vaccinated. A person needs to weigh the options and decide what’s best for their own body, health, and wellbeing. Sending much love to those going through that contemplation.

Gratitude

Today I’m grateful for the walk up clinic across the street from where I work - complete with National Guards distributing the shots.

May 4

Water - for me I am both frightened by it and in awe. I’m not sure when I knew the fear of water but I’ve nearly drowned three times in my life so far. Each time, that feeling of the weight of water, unable to take a clear breath in, and the gurgle as the battle between air and water continued. My first time was in salt water, that stinging feeling of salt water in lungs, in throat, mixed with sand was intense. I was sick for a couple days after that. I swore I’d never put myself in that position again and yet... I could not resist the pull of water. I wanted to be a swimmer. I wanted to feel that weightlessness floating on my back. Water gently caressing my ears. I was taught to float on my back in the large Sunlite pool in Coney Island, Cincinnati, Ohio by a five year old girl. She was able to talk me out of the terror I felt when leaning back into the water. I’ll catch you she said, just lean back like you’re floating on a cloud. I could feel her small hands on my back under my shoulders and I was floating. I’m going to take them away she said and I could feel the hands leave and mercifully I did not sink under. I cannot explain how in that moment my terror of water faded enough for me to stare into the sky and feel held by this pool.

Today I still feel the call of water and I still wrestle with the terror - I call it that because I have a felt sense of gasping for air every time I look at deep water.

Gratitude

Today I’m filled with gratitude Rachel Fogg for teaching me how to float those many years ago.

May 3

Home sweet home - and we are back! The rain accompanied us home. The pets missed us - though probably would have greeted anyone who looks like they would feed them. I’m tired.

I notice when I’m tired things seem much worse than they really are. I suppose if I were a baby - I’d cry, a toddler would throw a tantrum or a teen May sulk. As an adult, this may seem not only weird but generally frowned upon. So today from start to finish was one of those days looked on through the lens of tired.

Imagine looking through that lens. Everything seems dramatic and hard. No one is helpful, the world is against you, and to top it all off you’re tired.

Hard to show up at 100% when you are at maybe 30%.

But, for me it was easier to realize things that seemed monumental were just normal things skewed through my tired self.

And so I head to bed

Knowing tomorrow will be better than today - at least I hope.

Gratitude

Today I am grateful for a little sis time on my way home. I’m grateful for the gentle rain’s return (I missed it after 3 days). Lastly grateful to have a partner who is so understanding on days like today.

May 2

Memories of my childhood home - I’m listening to Tom Hanks read The Dutch House by Ann Patchett. It’s the sort of book that meanders in an arranging matches kind of way (Eddie Izzard) but in my mind the main character is the house. It made me think of the house I grew up in, my grandparents’ houses where I spent time in Summer and Thanksgiving as a child. These houses I can nearly lay out room by room with both memories of features and events. The details jump out of nowhere as I listen to this book. I asked my husband if he had these same memories and he does, though he moved around more in his informative years. I was in the same house for 17-18 years before I moved. What if I made the house a character? How would I describe it? Or could I? My parents are working on it and it will transform from my memories to something new. I’m excited about how it will look but there is also nostalgia about what it used to be.

Gratitude

Today I am grateful for the spotted towhee who sang his song on a tall tree in front of me. I am grateful for my feet who carry me this way and that though they sometimes hurt and feel neglected. I am grateful for my mom who sent me some pictures of the house so I could use it on this post.

May 1

There are days when I feel like the single tulip on the fence rather than the group. I’m not sure where it comes from. I think a lot about my time growing up - in the ways I was different than others around me. I focused so much on those differences and tried to convince myself I didn’t care if I fit in or not. But in reality I wanted nothing more than to be part of the group. I don’t want to have to explain why...fill in the blanks on the list of things I’d have to explain.

What if I just was accepted, as I was, no need to explain, no need to give reasons, just, this is me? I find it both crazy and normal that at nearly 51 I’m still in that place of trying to explain. And I wonder if it was more about me, than those around me. What if I felt more grounded in who I am and what I stand for - and was less worried about what others think? Just a few thoughts today as I start my May Musings. 

Gratitude

Today I am grateful for the view of the mountains that began my day, the inquisitive hummingbird that came to the window, and having Cheerios in heart shapes with my husband for breakfast this morning