Musings at 50

  Well, it is official, the PNW is having a heat wave. Yesterday it was 100. Today it will be higher, not sure what it will end up but it is predicted to be 105. That is right - 105. I thought to myself, how is this possible? For an area that is considered moderate - neither too hot or too cold. How can I be in a space where it will be 105 today? Let me be clear. I find temperatures above 70 to be too hot. In the winter my house is between 60-70 - usually 65 during the day, and 60 at night. I need it to be cool to sleep. In order to be active, I need it to be cool. I am amazed at people who embrace the heat. I am NOT one of them. I found out earlier this week that it was going to be hot. Not just 90s hot (which I am also not a fan of) but 100s hot. I immediately started to unravel. My husband said my freaking out was probably worse than what was actually going to happen. And, my brain just kind of flipped out. I went into fix it mode - how can I fix it and survive the weekend? ...

5/19/2021 - Big Magic by Liz Gilbert Do I have buried treasure within me? Sometimes I am sure that I do and other times I am not so sure. How to tap into it is always the question or how do I unearth it? I talked to my brother on the way home from the beach yesterday and he asked me how I thought about the things I write. I told him is the secret is that I don’t. When I am in the zone, I don’t think at all, I just write. It is when I think, bringing my mind into the equation, that I stumble - I freeze - I cannot seem to let the pen flow, or in typing, it is the curse of the cursor just blinking at me. It reminds me of the times in college when I would have an assignment due, people remarked on my procrastination and I’d say I’m thinking about it and when I quit thinking, that is when I will write. When it would come, that place of peace, I could be up for hours putting pen to paper or my hands typing on the keyboard. Ideas flowing freely. I would often try to create or stage that momen...

  I feel it...unraveling. You think you know who you are. You PRIDE yourself on who you think you are, and then, when all of the activity and flurry subsides, you find yourself unraveling. Who am I? What do I stand for? When I peel away the busy-ness, the to do lists, the work, how I show up for others, how much I think about others, projects, deadlines, activity, am I missing something? Who am I? I am sitting down I am slowing down I am uncomfortable I have said this so many times before. My idea of a living hell would be to be trapped with only my thoughts - no ways to escape. All of the ways I escape. Keep busy, help others, eat, drink, numb out using your thing of choice - wine, bread, to do lists, hiking, walking, movement, Cheetos, alcohol, fixing someone, fixing something, anything to ignore the biggest elephant in the room. ME! I am trying to be curious. I don't know myself. Just to write those words, I feel this deep pain in my gut, my eyes cloud with tears. I have spend m...

  When I let go... Can I really let go? I feel like a part of me is gripping so tightly. But why? What sort of attachment could I have? I think if I could really let go I would feel so free, free for new things to emerge New experiences New flavors New smells I'm tired of the old stories, they rattle around in my head bumping into new things, maybe taking up too much space. If I could let go I would feel spacious Am I afraid of that spaciousness? What could I do with nothing but empty space? How could I fill it? Would I fill it? Sometimes I wonder if I am afraid to release, let go Release control Surrender - If I could surrender all Makes me think of a hymn from my childhood I surrender all, I surrender all, all to Jesus I surrender, I surrender all... I'm not in a place where I am comfortable with Jesus - but what if I could What if I could let go of it all? Surrender makes me think of a very definite release One where you do not hold back, you do not hold on, no tension, no b...