Musings at 50

For as long as I can remember, I do not trust when I am in pain. From my earliest memory of falling and scraping my knees on the asphalt pavement to my recent fall in Hoh Rainforest, I do not trust when I feel pain. I am super curious about this - where did this come from? I remember being told you are okay after a fall - did I feel okay? Was that words of reassurance or did I take it to mean that though I feel pain, you're okay so quit crying and continue on. I have these moments I remember - like the one where I was crying while cutting wooden names on a scroll saw at Kings Island, my boss asking me what is wrong. I tell him my arm hurts and he takes one look and sends me to the ER. Someone at the ER tells me "It's just a kidney stone, nothing to worry about. It will hurt, that is normal." I took that to mean, why would you bother us with something so trivial. We learn that pain is an indicator of something - but we also hear no pain no gain when it comes to working...

#30/30April8 A good day My feet hit the wood floor Cool and dark Fuzzy robe on I Walk to the kitchen To start tea I stare out the kitchen window The darkness starts to Lift as pale grey and blue Lightens to white and yellow The birds begin their chorus Nesting my tea cup in hands I sit and stare out into The backyard as it awakes Wet pine branches sparkle As the morning sun hits What will I do today? Full of hope and possibilities  Whatever happens I am breathing and can see Today is a good day

I once had this friend - or shall I say friends - they were sisters (are still sisters).  My brother texted me this week that their mother is battling cancer.  She has to be about 80 or so by now.   It brought back so many memories of our friendship - the hikes at Old Man’s cave and Blackhand Gorge, the visits to their grandparents farm and land with its handmade log cabin.  The slumber parties where we stayed up late into the night watching Night Owl Theater and the slow mornings ended by a rush to gather all of my stuff so I could get ready for my dad to pick me up and take me to work in the garden for the day. They had these metal colored cups we drank from, I remember the cool feel of them in my hand. I remember the obsession of Star Wars and the backyard where we transported ourselves to the Millenium Falcon or the Death Star.  I was able to take my first trip to Florida with them and their parents - in their large wood panelled station wagon - stoppin...

If I had only one memory to keep for my life so far - what would it be?   There are so many and yet as I think about it I cannot think of a one.    My memory is jogged by a painting in front of me of our wedding day - it was such a beautiful summer evening in Ohio - family and friends - mostly family though and therefore rather intimate.  The sound of the fountain, the twinkling lights in the trees at dusk - or would it be my first trip to California - so many memories were made but one of the most impressive was my first whale watching cruise where a pod of orcas came close to the boat with a baby in tow and an older whale as well - a family of 6 - so large and graceful in the water?   Would it be my first view of the Grand Canyon - it took my breath away - the colors of red, brown, gold, grey, blue, and green - almost unreal and yet massive.  Could it be my first view of Mt Rainier? Looking at her from my sister’s apartment in Fremont - looking a lit...

I love that you were like a big sister to me.  I maybe did not ever mention that during our nearly 15 year friendship.  You made me feel beautiful and did my hair and makeup.  Both things that I did not know I wanted done but in the end made me feel special.  I love that you showed me photography, and took me into nature to discover the colors and textures in trees, leaves, and even in rocks. I love our adventures to amusement parks and those Sunday afternoons between church services where we would play with either dolls or figures and let our imaginations run wild.  It is because of you I was able to see more than just Ohio and Iowa - I still remember that first trip to Florida, in the back of your family’s station wagon singing Blonde’s Tide is High in the back.  Playing games in the car to make those hours pass by.  Popularity was always a favorite.  You were always so good and inventing games to keep me and your sister entertained while sittin...

#30/30April4 10 Things The way you snore Your laugh Designing projects  Making the worlds best sandwiches  Hands so warm Lazy mornings  Sunday drives Eyes that see me That itch you scratch A shoe that stubs my toe These my love Are 10 things I adore About you

It is a rainy day this Monday, February 1, 2021 - so I thought I would pull out something I wrote last year also in the rain. After bundling up and listening to my friend give me a guided prompt before walking in nature - I walked through taking in my surroundings more in my body and when I returned to the car - this is what I wrote. Random Writing - November 10 2020 After walking in Hoh Rainforest - Hall of Mosses Trail Oh what a way to start my day - but ultimately it worked out. Listening to Braiding Sweetgrass AGAIN - gosh, what is it about her that I find so nourishing. As a white women, should I be triggered about her talk of the indigenous ways. I don’t think I could be. Having been fascinated about it as a kid. Wishing to know some of the wild, feelings so drawn to nature as it seems the place I can really just be - soft, quiet, curious, awakening my senses - letting my different senses take in the sights and smells - I’ve done this short loop hike a lot of times. A quick jaunt...