Musings at 50

  Around Memorial Day, I start to think about what I used to do on this weekend. I did it for quite a few weekends and now, they are treasured memories. In my 20s I had a rocky relationship with my parents, but I had a close relationship with my grandparents. They would help me fly out to visit over Memorial Day weekend. The weekend would unfold with them picking me up from the airport in Omaha. I have never seen two people so excited to see me. I am enfolded in their warm embrace and there is much chatter about the flight and if I am hungry. A quick stop in to the Garden Cafe, for a large delicious cinnamon roll (we probably ate other things but this is what I remember). Then we would drive back to Exira. On the way back, we would talk in the car about what I had been up to and what they had been up to. Once back to the farm, we would take a quick stroll around the farm, taking note of what flowers were blooming and which ones were not. That evening, a quick bite to eat and lots o...

  Moments of devotion, required discipline, required dedication, priest or priestess I'm attempting to reacquaint myself with discipline. Dedication. Because I believe the piece I was missing was devotion. And the word REQUIRED brings a shutter to my soul. I grew up in a very strict household, there were rules and boundaries and structure. Not a lot freedom to choose what you wanted to dedicate yourself to.  Fast forward to now, and I am so simultaneously attracted to and repulsed by structure. It feels so hard to create it. I seem to default to structure. I talked to someone just the other day about rules and structure. For everyone, it needs to be consistent and I said I could appreciate that but I could see the also and the and, and when I completed the conversation I fell like a light went on in my head. Me, the rules girl, the control freak, the type A, but also the rebel, the questioner, the critical mind that can see where a spot of light breaches a dark hole. Embrace t...

 The prompt was the group randomly picking pages from the dictionary and then our facilitator selected a word from each of the pages. Celsius, uncut, al dente, amaretto, tuft Use at least three - and try to use all of them. he stared at me with his piercing green eyes - his irises like slits, he rubbed his head on the table and splayed his legs out leaving tufts of fur on the table, his fur remained uncut, even though it is our custom to shave him on occasion. His wild outdoor side not welcoming the grooming. We shaved him one winter desperate for some control of his hair, his mane, dark black mixed with a smokey grey and deep rusty red - depending on the time of the year. He would patiently sit while the brush when through his fur but only about 3 or 4 times before he'd whirl around to bite or snap. From a small kitten, received from an abandoned house, left or all that survived, he came to us one November. Still with his baby blues, his fur a black amaretto but long, tufts of it ...

 First thing in the morning I flutter my eyes open - sometimes its the increase in car activity or the sounds of a robin singing the morning song. I wake wondering what time it is and do I have a few minutes to just lay there, listening to the sounds or do I need to kick it into high gear and get ready for the day. Depending on the day, I like to lay there and stare at the ceiling. Looking at whatever light is coming through the heavy curtains. If I can see daylight at all I know it is getting light and maybe I need to get going. My first thought usually is where is Tim? an indicator of time, if he is snoring gently next to me, I know it is probably still a little early. If his spot is empty, I know I need to consider getting up. There are those moments when I check and he has slept through his alarm so it is all hands on deck to get up and get moving. He prefers a silent ease into the day - he has a schedule from beginning to end. I'm usually consumed by the excitement of a new da...

In this moment I feel... In this moment I want... In this moment I feel relief - so much relief. I've made the decision to self demote at work. I feel this relief in all parts of my body. It's as if the tension I've felt over the last two years is melting away. I get to go back to doing what I truly love - Research. I get to go back to taking orders rather than giving them - which is also a relief. I get to work with the two most difficult people but as their co-worker I can tell them to FUCK OFF!! Which will be so nice. I'm on a timeline. First, a self demotion in June and then save some $$ for my car trip around the United States. I'm workin on my car, outfitting it so I can travel and sleep in it. I'm going to take it on a couple of maiden voyages to see what needs changed. The comfort and flexibility to do what is needed. It's weird but all of a sudden I also feel so calm. It feels strange to feel so settled and relaxed. Tension is leaving and I am feeli...

 I am a rock, sitting on the banks of the river. Wondering when I can jump in It is more likely that I will be dropped in or skipped in But I sit, nestled in the bits of green grass and brush The river is just below me One more hard rain and my perch could be washing into the rushing river The river flows by Sometimes it is fast and furious, dragging items along with it White caps and logs and debris Other times it is quite quiet, meandering along with no real purpose or direction Kept within its river banks But it hasn't taken me along yet I see the larger rocks The one the dipper uses to stand and dip his head and body into the cold clear water He shakes the river up and over only to have it drip off in beads and return to the river I'm often warmed by the sun on a sunny day Someone sat on me the other day And wrote a poem about the river They ate a sandwich and stared out into the river Almost longing to be in it as much as I Today I am grateful to be a godparent - my goddau...

  I decided to do something a little different this month and rather than write in my blog, I would post on Instagram and Facebook. I have mixed feelings about posting so publicly. Often I see my writing as a process, raw and unedited. Thankfully my sister gave me the shove I needed with the #12daysofshine and I decided to keep it going. I definitely want to return to the blog format. I waffle back and forth about how best to get myself writing and consistently as this is something I want to do.  Here is a collection from the first 7 days of my challenge in reverse order. I included my daily gratitude practice here as well. A reminder to remember the good. May 7 Lacey leaf left from fall Cradled in a cloud of green Gold trimmed beauty One last appearance As spring blooms around Gratitude Today I am grateful for coffee time with my husband this morning- staring out into our backyard gently starting our day. May 6 Painting in process - I came home last night and about cried beca...