Musings at 50

  Where do you stand on resolutions? I have been making them for quite a long time - it used to be a journal entry - or sometimes it was a list on a random piece of paper or on a page of my calendar or planner. Then, Facebook has memorialized my resolutions since 2009. I used to keep the list to about 5 or 10 - people had their opinions about it - how many do you actually accomplish? What do you tell yourself if you do not do them? Call them goals, accomplishments, resolutions or intentions - I love this ritual. I love I have reoccurring themes. I read Gretchen Rubin's book The Happiness Project  back in 2012 and inspired by the Happiness Project I decided to break it down by having one theme or focus a month. That only lasted until 2013 and I am not sure how successful I was. The thing is - I actually enjoy setting my sights on something - a goal, an intention, a resolution - a contract between me and me. The flip side can be when I disappoint myself...the negative self talk ...

#inthemargins I checked a book The other day Opened those old familiar pages Searched for a quote And happened upon a message Written in the margins It said, You matter My eyes welled with tears As I saw the heart shape Drawn next to it The writing was mine When I was young  Maybe thirteen or so But as I read it Now nearly fifty I wondered if my younger self Ever felt like she mattered Did she right it for her Or was it a message to someone Like me - years later Reading the message  in the margin

#personificationof  I fly my route  Along the Columbia  Near Skamokawa With the high sand dunes Where people crowd Playing with balls Lighting fires And wading along The shores My eyes narrow as I see the osprey Coming into my stretch He seems unaware Of my presence  He dips and hovers Then I come down From my lofty height We fight Though it looks Like a dance First I lead Then he leads We dip and soar Dancing along the wind Til he leaves In a huff And I take my place Being much larger As I the eagle Take my place Once more along The shore 

I came home from work tonight and it hit me - I have always had this sense that I was doing it all wrong. Doing what wrong? Well, you name it -  life,  sister,  daughter,  student,  wife,  worker,  christianity,  woman,  partner,  friend,  a task,  a chore,  a yoga pose,  how/when to eat,  how/when to sleep,  my daily schedule,  my choice of career,  my choice of music,  reading materials,  causes I feel passionately about,  causes I should feel more passionately about,  granddaughter,  cousin,  relative,  traveler,  writer,  poet,  singer,  violinist,  orchestra member,  gardening,  cooking,  baking,  household chores, group dynamics, I could literally sit here and list everything that I feel I do not quite do right (past and present), correctly, the way it was intended. I immediately started thinking about why, why do...

Fears - unspoken they are allowed to run amuck in my head. I am inspired by Elizabeth Gilbert in her book Big Magic - she talks about fear and creativity and writes a letter inviting fear to come along on a road trip with her and creativity but she sets some boundaries. Inspired by this excerpt from her book - I made some lists of fears. This was written in September of 2020 and some of these fears may still stand true - and some of them may not. In September, when I originally wrote this I came across this fort built in the sand and thought a lot about how we can build these walls around ourselves but something can easily come along and wipe the walls away - but we may think the walls are solid - and that may keep us stuck. Fears @ Spokane Parks Book I will pay too much to create it Not enough pictures that are free/open source Re-use too many that have been seen before City of Spokane will not return my emails  Partnerships seem impossible and not probable Not able to do th...

22 minutes - Experience of the divine/magic Yesterday I walked in the Hall of Mosses. The shades of green so many - dark, light, bright vibrant and muted like a painters palette where the painter has mixed every shade and then added in bits of brown, yellow, gold, white and red. I always stop on the bridge to watch the green grasses and plants gently swaying in the stream - a little fuller due to the rain. It is a rainforest after all - but it hasn’t always rained when I have come to visit. The first time - my husband showing me WA - as if he’d need to convince me to leave OH - I’d wanted to leave OH as soon as I knew there was a world beyond my small midwestern town. Of course, there was indecision about leaving. I had just landed my dream job - a librarian at a big library system in Cincinnati. I had only been there 6 months when my husband needed to look for work - his contract position early over. So he said, do I limit my search to OH and IN? Or expand the circle? I told him to lo...

  COVID has been hard on all of us - and it has been so hard for me to decide exactly where I land with COVID. I know people who have family and friends who have died from COVID - I know people with family and friends who have gotten really sick from COVID and survived. In the beginning I was one of those people - who thought, well this is a disease like any other disease. The best you can do is make sure you are doing your best - the cards will fall as they may. Which for those who have lost someone may seem rather callous and detached.  I definitely suffered mentally from the isolation in the beginning during our shut down - the combination of having to work from home and spending a lot more time with my husband - that was hard. It strained our marriage, it strained my relationships with others and most of all it strained my relationship with myself. I turned 50 this year - and I had plans. I was planning to meet my mom in Iowa and work on our genealogy. I had plans to atten...